Reflection & Counsel to Husbands
By Dan Wilton · Jan 01, 2017
My wife and I lost our first child to miscarriage. Although statistics say 10% of early pregnancies end in miscarriage, we didn't expect we'd be the ones no longer expecting. You probably won’t find this next statistic in any medical journal, but I believe that 100% of all marriages experiencing a miscarriage will never be the same.
When you heard the news “We’re pregnant,” your life changed. Then it changed again. The pain of miscarriage is deeply personal, yet unfamiliar to most men. The previous generations seldom spoke of it, so our instruction has been limited.
My reflections and counsel are here to help you navigate the shifting terrain of your marriage as you grieve and heal. Even if some of my advice does not fit your unique situation, I hope you see God’s truth in them so you can walk faithfully in the light of Christ’s presence.
Respond to God in Faith.
The grief you both are experiencing is real, but God’s hope is just as real and available to you in Jesus Christ. Although the coming weeks and months may be the darkest days and toughest roads you have ever journeyed, they will not be meaningless.
As a Christian husband, you have a high calling to respond in humble faith, which is not easy during such loss. Your personal pain may make God the unwelcome Lord in your heart as you struggle to believe in His goodness. But God desires to walk every step of this journey with you.
1 peter 4:19 gives clear direction on how to walk with God during difficult times: “Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.”
Before you take another step, remember to entrust yourself to God and to do good. This takes humility and strong faith. Humility guards and strengthens your faith and helps you think rightly about God. Only then can you see yourself and your circumstances as He does.
1 corinthians 16:13-14 puts it this way: “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.”
Practical Advice:
- Prioritize time with God. Don’t be afraid to try new spiritual disciplines like fasting and confession.
- Regularly listen to worship music to align your heart with Christ.
- Worship Christ at your local church. Ask your church leaders to pray for your family.
- Invite your wife to pray with you for God to transform your heart through this trial. Bravely confess any sin or weakness to her.
- Study the Scriptures to give Biblical, prayerful responses to your family’s doubts and questions and to discern the good that God wants you to do.
Be Available to Your Wife.
However tempted you are to shut out people or push down your emotions, you and your wife must stay connected no matter how disruptive your shared grief is to your life or how out-of-the-ordinary she behaves.
Yes, you still have to work, pay bills, and follow through on your commitments. But no earthly commitment is more important than the marriage covenant. Pursuing oneness is only possible if you make yourself available to your wife. You cannot help her rely on God’s grace if she cannot count on you in the messiness of her thoughts and feelings.
Love is by definition sacrificial, so be willing to sacrifice your time when your wife needs you. You don’t have to be her sympathizing girlfriend. You need to be her understanding and compassionate husband.
If words get ugly, choose love. When hurts get personal, choose compassion. When doubts give way to unbelief, choose faith. When feelings disappear, recall and renew your covenant promise to be one flesh for God’s glory.
Practical Advice:
- If your employer provides bereavement or personal time, use it.
- Establish a daily time with your wife to communicate about your hearts.
- Ask questions, share personal struggles, and always pray. Create agreed upon ground rules or code words to use when you feel overloaded by your own or each other’s emotions.
- Come alongside your wife to find and read resources to understand what happened in her body and how that affects her whole being.
- Find ways to show your love. Invite her to explain what would make her feel your love in this season of life. When she is able to share her heart, be humble enough to master those loving ways.
- Seek out Christian, Biblical counselors for the sake of your marriage.
Memorialize Your Child
Although your child’s life here was short, it is eternally meaningful. Memorializing your child’s life helps you face what happened with faith in Christ.
After our miscarriage, we found a beautiful spot on family land, near a river. There we placed a small memorial and held a service with a few family members. Together we asked God for a renewed trust in His faithfulness to see us through. In the many years since that service, whenever we visit that spot I am reminded of Jesus’ faithfulness, and my heart is refocused on things above.
Practical Advice:
- Plan a memorial service or special time for you and your wife to entrust God with the life of your child.
- Pick a day to remember your child. On that day, do something to honor God and the memory of your child. My wife and I light a candle and write letters to our Little One. We have found it to be very meaningful.
- Create and display a memorial. Making something with our hands can help us as we process the loss of our child.
- Talk about your unborn child with others, especially your other children.
Finally, keep near Jesus. You can honor Christ through this season of loss as you allow God to use this road to transform you more into Christ’s likeness for His glory.
May God bless you with His peace and joy in Christ as you trust Him to help you stand firm in the faith, be strong, and do all in love during this trial.
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