Life After Loss

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Grief is the universal, human response to our pain. The experience differs from person to person, moment by moment. We may feel anguish or relief, anger, regret, or peace. We may be dazed or disoriented, feel crowded or isolated.

However, we are never alone in our grief. Not only is grief common to humanity, but the triune God knows grief. The Word of God tells us that God the Father was grieved in His heart (Genesis 6:6), that Jesus grieved (Mark 3:5), and that the Holy Spirit can be grieved (Ephesians 4:30). This great God who understands grief walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death, and He comforts us (Psalm 23:4).

The Journey of Grieving

You are usually unprepared, even when you know separation is coming. The reality is hard to contemplate or discuss.
Give yourself permission to grieve and heal. Don’t try to define how long your journey should last.
You may feel like you are in a fog, making it difficult to think and to make decisions. Wait on making big decisions.
Even simple tasks may take longer and feel harder. Or you could push yourself to keep busy to block out thoughts. Be patient with yourself, pace yourself, and set small goals to accomplish.
You may be more sensitive to others’ words and actions. Prepare to give grace to others when you feel most in need of grace yourself.
Your emotions may come quickly to the surface, or you may feel numb inside.

It is important to take care of yourself as you grieve. Don’t worry or feel guilty if you are unable to accomplish the day to day. Some couples find their minds go blank in the middle of an important project on their job. It is normal.

Take care of yourself

Listen to Christian music to soothe and encourage you in the Lord or to Bible teachers on the radio or Internet to focus on the Word.
Choose one simple thing to look forward to each day – prepare a favorite food or go out to eat, take a walk, read a book, work on a hobby – whatever brings comfort or restores a measure of pleasure and normalcy.
Create a “thankful” book by writing down little and big things you are thankful for each day.
Allow yourself and your spouse or children to cry. Tears are a helpful part in the healing process. You have experienced a great loss, and God cares about your tears.
Write a grief letter describing what you experienced, how you are feeling, what you feel you need, and what you can give to others at this time. This letter can help you work through your thoughts and emotions and may be helpful to pass on to your spouse, your extended family, and your closest friends so they can understand.
Encourage another person, couple, or family with a kind word or deed.

Don’t forget the “don’ts.”

Don’t overdo your schedule – pray about and talk over with your family the safe amount of things to do and safe places to go. Feel free to not attend baby showers, wedding showers, or social events.

Create a “Not to do” list of chores or projects around the house or responsibilities
in the church or community that you usually do or planned to do, but can wait with
no harm done. This is just a season – you will eventually get back to those things,
but you need to focus on healing now.

God’s Word Protects Us Against False Guilt

Guilt is a common reaction after experiencing the death of a child. Feeling that it was our fault or blaming someone else is very common. Those feelings of guilt are not grounded in the truth of God’s Word and Who He is.

God does not always act the way we humans would act, but He does always act in a way that is ultimately for our good. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9).

God saw your child and knew how many days your baby would have even before your baby was conceived. “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them” (Psalm 139:16).

God sees the past, the present, and the future. His love for you is eternal, unquenchable. He is determined to fulfill all His purposes for you, and His power to do so is limitless. “The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me; Your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever” (Psalm 138:8).

A Woman's Physical Recovery
Physical healing takes energy, so expect to be tired. Be sure to rest, even if you
can only get it in little spurts. Allow time for your hormones to return to your
pre-pregnancy state. Expect that your emotions will be affected.

You will have at least one follow-up appointment with your obstetrician or midwife. When you schedule this appointment, it’s good for the husband or at least a close friend to come along. If you call the receptionist ahead of time to see if the doctor is behind schedule, you may avoid a long wait in a room full of pregnant women.

If your baby was more than 12 weeks gestational, your breast milk will likely still come in. Talk with your doctor about this process. Once you return to a normal cycle, you may be reminded of your loss at each monthly cycle, especially if your loss happened on its own at home.

If you find yourself overwhelmed, please seek professional help. Your body has gone through many physical changes, and the added emotional changes can cause you to feel weighed down beyond your ability to keep on. Receive counsel from a doctor and a Biblical counselor or pastor to get through this time.

Helping Your Children Understand
If you have children old enough to realize what happened, helping them through their grief while you work through your own is a challenge. You will need to be patient with yourself and with them. Grieving takes time and happens in both intense and subtle ways.

Children grieve differently than adults, and can’t handle big chunks of grief.
They tend to go back and forth, one minute sad, the next minute bouncing with delight. Join in as you can when they ask, “Can you play with me?”
Children tend to ask the same question over and over. Seek God’s help to answer.
Children may develop a fear that they'll lose others they love. Think of tangible, meaningful ways to give them the emotional support they need to heal.
They may get confused and have trouble to distinguish the difference between death in real life and death as portrayed in fairy tales, cartoons, or movies.
Refer to death in straightforward terms. “Our baby died.” Explain what death is if they don’t understand. But take care in how you tell them. If you say that death is like someone sleeping, some children can fear going to sleep. Words like “passed away” or “lost” may cause confusion, too. They lost their stuffed animal under their bed, but they found it. Children process death better if you gently speak the truth in simple words rather than trying to evade the explanation.
If you become overwhelmed in helping your child, seek out a Biblical counselor or pastor to come alongside you and help you guide your family in their grief.

Honor & Remember Your Baby
here are a few additional suggestions:

Name your baby, even if you do not know the gender.
Celebrate your baby’s birthday in some way. Perhaps invite close
friends and family.
Wear a piece of jewelry in honor of your baby.
Carry a small memento in your wallet or purse – a Scripture, picture, etc.
Write a poem or song about your baby.
Create a scrapbook. Include letters to your child, pictures, and cards. Write about meaningful Scripture that sustains you, comforting words others spoke to you, acts of kindness people did for you.
Select a special piece of artwork in remembrance of your child.
Set aside a place for keepsakes of your baby, possibly in a shadow box on a wall.
Create a memory garden for your baby or plant a tree in memory of your baby.
Find a stuffed animal or snuggly blanket to buy in honor of your baby, especially if you have other children.
Sponsor a child in another country in honor of your baby.

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