Ask Who, not Why
By Amanda Wilton · Jan 01, 2017
January marks the beginning. A new year. A fresh start. For me, it always meant these things until a few years ago. After much prayer, my husband and I had decided to move from Detroit to Peoria. Dan and I spent New Year’s Eve 2009 driving through a blizzard. We had a full moving truck, two Golden Retrievers, a baby in my belly, and the promise that God would never leave us nor forsake us.
Our decision made very little sense to anyone, ourselves included, but God’s ways often make little sense to our finite minds. As Abraham had been directed to go, “not knowing where he was going” (Hebrews 11:8), we went. We did not have jobs or money, but we saw our unborn child as God’s stamp of approval, His blessing on our move of faith. It indeed was the beginning of something new.
Three days after we arrived in Peoria, I had a miscarriage. My entire world fell apart. I began to question whether God was really good. Did He really love me? Was anything I formerly thought to be true, really true? My new year, my fresh start, turned into a horrible nightmare.
I could not understand how the loss of a child could ultimately bring glory to God or how it could be for my good. Sure, Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose,” but surely He did not mean this. People say time heals all wounds. With this particular tragedy, I felt that each day only brought a constant reminder of the gaping hole I now had in my heart.
Along with the loss of my baby, I found myself in a new, unfamiliar town. My husband had grown up here, but I knew no one. I felt alone and isolated. This feeling did not last for long as God’s body, His church, began to minister to my hurting soul—whether I liked it or not.
Women I did not know began to call me, drop off meals, invite me over. Sometimes we would talk about my loss, but most often we would just be. They cried with me. They prayed for me. They loved me when I was at my most unlovable. Soon, I was unable to deny the fact that my hurt was being tenderly cared for with the salve of Christ’s love in action.
Now, several years later, I can firmly state that the unthinkable has happened within me. I can proclaim that God IS good, He DOES love me, and He NEVER fails.
It was unfathomable for me to think that I might one day thank God for taking my first baby home to be with Him. But, friends, it is true. I can thank Him—maybe not for my loss—but for what it taught me about who He is and how much He loves me.
When tragedy strikes, often our first question is “WHY?” Job, after much affliction, dared to ask God that question. God’s mighty response from the whirlwind did not answer the question why, but WHO. God asks Job the rhetorical question over and over again (job 38 - 40). Who determined the earth’s measurements? Who shut in the sea? Who can number the clouds? Who has given understanding to the mind? It is the unchanging, never failing, great I AM (Exodus 3:14).
I have learned this art of asking the right question, though it was a slow and ever-so-painful process. I have learned that God’s promise is true when He says, “…I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” (Isaiah 43:1-2).
He does not promise the waters won’t ever come or the flames won’t burn bright, but He does promise He will be with us. This provides great comfort, for with God on our side we are “more than conquerors” (Romans 8:37).
Each year since my first baby’s passing has brought me to a fuller understanding of WHO God is. With the birth of our precious daughter, Michaela Berniece, whose name means “Who is like God, the Bringer of Victory,” I felt a deep victory over the lies Satan had spun to me. Two years after Michaela, Dan and I welcomed our son, Boaz Clark, “Strong Student,” and we pray his strength lies in the knowledge of God’s Word.
Years after my miscarriage, I still ponder the question WHO is God? Even if His ways prove to not be my ways, my prayers are that He grants me the strength to still proclaim His goodness. I continue to learn more about the character of the Father, that He can indeed be trusted, and that He can turn what seems to be a nightmare into something that is pure gold.
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