Beautiful Marriage

We all know that marriage is under attack like never before. After decades which have seen a steady erosion in attitudes towards marriage—no-fault divorce, the acceptance of adultery and sex before marriage—we have reached the point where the enemies of marriage, not content with the virulent destruction they have hitherto wrought, are mustering all the zeal and propaganda they can wield to redefine the institution into something else altogether.

If this was something that was happening in one or two nations, whilst all others stood ready to condemn them for their blatant desecration of a holy institution, it wouldn’t be too much of a problem. But the cancer has spread throughout every single one of the Western nations, and at a rate that is simply breathtaking. Even a decade or so ago, if you had heard someone saying that in 10 years’ time, every Western nation would be poised on the brink of legislating for same-sex marriage, you would probably have shook your head and muttered something about such talk being over-the-top. It could never happen in America. Yet here we are.

Now that we are here, it is easy for us to respond with the same kind of incredulous shaking of the head and muttering with which we might have first met proclamations that it was going to happen. It is equally easy for us to point the finger of blame at those who have, by careful propaganda and relentless determination, driven marriage into its current ditch. We would have a point. They have earned their condemnation. But to point the finger of blame at those who have willfully set out to destroy the institution of marriage is to miss the point of why this is happening in a big way.

Throughout God’s Word, it is made clear that although the whole world lieth in wickedness, the extent of that wickedness is intrinsically linked with the question of whether God’s covenant people are performing His will and His Word. In Deuteronomy 4, for instance, Moses exhorts the people on behalf of Yaweh to keep His commandments, adding that if they obey, the heathen nations roundabout will be sanctified: “Keep therefore and do them; for this is your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the nations, which shall surely hear all these statutes, and say, Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people. For what nation is there so great, who hath God so nigh them, as the LORD our God is in all things that we call upon Him for?” (Deuteronomy 4:6, 7 KJV). Although God’s covenant in those days was with the nation of Israel alone, they were never meant to be isolationist. Rather, they were meant to so keep God’s commandments, not just for the sake of Israel, but so as to wield an influence on the surrounding nations for good. As it turned out, this rarely happened and for the most part they forsook God’s commandments and instead of influencing the surrounding heathen culture they were themselves influenced by it.

A parallel passage to this in the New Testament is Jesus’ charge to His disciples to be the salt and the light of the world: “Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt hath lost his savor, wherewith shall it be salted? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.” (Matthew 5:13 KJV). Notice the order of things in this passage and how closely it resembles what has happened in our day: first, Christianity lost its savor—the grace and wholesomeness in every area of life which should distinguish it from the non-Christian world; second, it has therefore lost its effectiveness and its ability to influence the surrounding heathen culture for good; third, it has been increasingly cast out of public life over the past few decades; finally—and this is where America is now at—it is being trodden down and crushed by the surrounding culture.

This is true in every area of life, and never more so than in the area of marriage. You know the statistics. That divorce is just about as rife in the evangelical Church as it is in the surrounding culture. Christian marriages have largely lost their savor; they have therefore become good for nothing; so the Christian idea of marriage has been cast out; and now with the increasing push for same-sex marriage, we see that the Christian idea of marriage is being trampled to the ground and all who oppose this are condemned with violent indignation.

What does this mean for the recovery of marriage as it is meant to be? It means that our response to the increasing slide into Sodom must not be just a negative and reactionary one. Yes, we need to protest about these things where we can, making it clear that marriage is an institution designed by God as something between one man and one woman for life and that any other variation—whether fornication, divorce, adultery, polygamy or same-sex marriage—is an aberration and a violent destruction of the way in which we were intended to live.

But this is not enough. We don’t regain our savor and become a witness to the surrounding culture simply by protesting that they are doing it all wrong. If you run yourself a bath and realize that the water in the tub is much too cold, turning the cold water off is a good idea. But it is not enough. You need to then turn on the hot, to have the desired effect. This is why in Ephesians, Paul doesn’t just admonish the thief to steal no more (ceasing the negative); he then admonishes him to labor, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth (replacing it with a positive). Similarly, if we denounce the worldly desecration of marriage but have nothing positive to replace it with, all our protestations will amount to nothing. And when I say replace it I don’t mean assenting to the theological concept of one man and one woman for life. We can quote from Genesis 2 and Ephesians, Colossians and 1 Peter as much as we like, but unless the Church is providing a living example of what this actually looks, tastes, and smells like in practice, it will all be to no avail.

Marriage is a holy institution, but what is this holiness meant to look like? The Biblical answer is that holiness is beautiful (see Psalm 96:9 and Psalm 110:3 for example). If a marriage is truly holy, it will be a thing of great beauty. And God’s descriptions of the marriage covenant throughout the Bible are indeed holy and they are indeed beautiful. A man rejoicing with the wife of his youth and being ravished with her love is a thing of great beauty (Proverbs 5:18, 19). A wife whose mouth brings forth wisdom and whose tongue speaks kindness is a beautiful thing (Proverbs 31:26). A man who loves his wife and gives himself to her both covenantally and constantly is a thing of the rarest beauty and of the utmost nobility (Ephesians 5:25). A wife who is a fruitful vine and who builds up her house is glorious and of exquisite beauty (Psalm 128:3; Proverbs 14:1). This is what we are to strive for if we are to regain our savor, and this is what the world needs to see if we are to be taken seriously.

Every marriage is to a greater or lesser extent, a failed marriage. That is, we have all failed—more or less—to consistently live out the Biblical ideal of marriage. Which one of us husbands can say that we have always loved our wife as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for it and never been bitter against her? Which one of you wives can truly say that you have always been subject to your husband and have ever adorned yourselves with that meek and quiet spirit which in the sight of God is of great price? We all fail the holiness test, and we all fail the beauty test. So if we are to reclaim the institution of marriage from its enemies, we therefore need to begin, as ever, with repentance. Repent of your own failings. Repent that you have not loved your wife as Christ loves the Church, and plead with Him to so salt you that you will be enabled to love her more. Repent that you have not reverenced and adored your husband as the Church is called to reverence Christ, and plead with Him to show you how you can do this.

And when you are done pleading for your own marriage, do the same for other marriages you see around you—for your friends, for your children (even if they are not yet married), for the marriages in your Church. Plead with God to salt your marriage and plead with Him to salt all Christian marriages. Ask Him to beautify your union, and ask Him to do the same to others. Yes, make your protest known as the states legalize that which God proclaims to be unlawful. Yes, pray to God that He will bring about a swift end to attempts to pervert His institution. But more than that—much more than that—strive to ensure that Christendom has a beautiful alternative to offer—something so glorious that even those outside the Kingdom may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven (Matthew 5:16). 

Rob Slane is the author of The God Reality: A critique of Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion. A former atheist, Slane is now a member of Emmanuel Church in Salisbury, England, where he and his family live.