A mother's journey through grief; review of 'Living Hope: Giving Birth to Death Brought Life'

Samaritan Ministries member Christina Varvel gives a raw, honest account of her journey through grief after miscarrying two sons in her book Living Hope: Giving Birth to Death Brought Life.

At age 32, Christina was pregnant for the third time. She and her husband, Brett, excitedly prepared for the 12-week ultrasound. As she lay on the doctor’s table, every mother’s worst nightmare came true—no movement on the screen, and no heartbeat detected.

Heartbroken, she had to make the overwhelming decision whether to deliver the baby or have a medical procedure to evacuate the baby from her body. Just days away from Mother’s Day 2018, Christina decided to give birth to a baby boy. She and Brett named their son Seth, Hebrew for “appointed.”

After delivering Seth, the new parents were given time to hold, cuddle, and take photos with their son. The hospital they were at has a bereavement program that helps parents who have lost children to make hard decisions like funeral arrangements and assists in choosing memorial items.

When losing a baby, it is important for the grieving and healing process to take the time to honor that person’s short life, to look at and memorize your baby’s features, and to plan for ways to remember him or her in the future. Christina writes of her time holding Seth, “I actually can feel my face lifting into a smile as I am mesmerized by this baby ... and all I can do is worship the Lord.”

Shortly after returning home, waves of grief overtook Christina. A mother to two older children, Kherington and Damon, navigating daily life as a wife and mother while also grieving proved to be complicated. She was living out the typical responses to grief, such as anger, outbursts, and tears. Yet, helping her children process their own questions and grief while also dealing with hers was challenging. She reminded herself, “I don’t need to feel guilty. I don’t need to ‘have it all together’ in front of my children. I don’t need to always hide my tears in the shower. I need to expect to have sinful reactions in the midst of my grief because I am human.”

In Living Hope, Christina does a marvelous job of recounting the ups and downs of grief. She describes moments of feeling as though darkness might suffocate her. Other times, the strength to keep breathing is at the ready. Simple, everyday life events like walking past a pregnant woman can trigger waves of anguish—or no emotions at all.

“The rollercoaster ride of grief is normal, expected and biblical,” Christina writes. She cites examples from Scripture that display the humanity of grief, such as David mourning the loss of his baby with Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 12, and King Solomon’s reflection in Ecclesiastes 3 that “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven,” including “a time to weep” and “a time to mourn.”

After much prayer, Brett and Christina decided to try for another baby. Christina has an autoimmune disease that she worries may have contributed to her miscarriage with Seth. However, since there were no apparent medical correlations, the Varvels felt comfortable moving forward and became pregnant again quickly. However, when they had their ultrasound around 12 weeks, the Varvels were shocked to find out that this baby, too, had died in utero.

Devastated, they walked the path of grief yet again, naming this son Roi, giving homage to El Roi, or the “God who sees me.”

Helpful lessons

Christina shares many encouraging and helpful insights from her grief journey. One such moment is from Psalms 57:1 (CSB), “Be gracious to me, God, be gracious to me, for I take refuge in You. I will seek refuge in the shadow of Your wings until danger passes.” After reading Holley Gerth’s book What Your Heart Needs for the Hard Days, Christina realized that when darkness seemed nearly suffocating a change in perspective was needed. Instead, what if the darkness she was feeling was the shadow of Christ’s protection surrounding her? When we cry out to God for rescue, perhaps He is doing just that by covering us with His wings.

There are many helpful lessons to learn from the path of grief the Varvels chose.

First, they included their community. Often, couples are tempted to hide their pregnancy “just in case” a miscarriage ensues. But if there is a miscarriage, this leaves the couple feeling alone and isolated in their grief. Share early and often about your pregnancy! This is a joyful event! And should the Lord in His sovereignty choose to bring that child home before birth, having a community of loving friends and family to surround you is essential.

Second, Christina and Brett held, touched, and looked at their deceased sons. Some may think it would be too difficult, knowing their baby is not alive and will not be coming home. However, in most cases the opposite occurs. Celebrating this short life, conveying your love for this child, and having the closure of saying goodbye aids overwhelmingly in the healing process.

Additionally, choosing events or items to memorialize your child(ren) assists in grief.

The Varvels chose a memory box that held their sons’ cremated remains. Other ideas include hand- and footprints, bracelets or keychains with the baby’s name, candles, and blankets that had held your child.

Throughout the loss of both their sons, Christina and Brett persisted in prayer and seeking help from other Christians. Both spoke often and honestly to the Lord, even when the only words that could be uttered were, “Fight for me, Lord!” Sharing the truth of their mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual states with trusted friends kept the Varvels on the path of hope when they had none of their own. Their example is one to be followed when grief of any kind comes our way, whether that be the loss of a child, loss of a job, or failing health.

Living Hope does not sugarcoat the reality of hard times and the grief that follows. Christina shares vulnerably of her and her family’s experience. In doing so, she allows us to feel validated in our own grief experiences.

Amanda M. Wilton is wife to Dan and mom to two bio-kids and one foster daughter. She also has a baby in heaven. Amanda worked in public relations and marketing for decades before focusing on writing. Amanda has been a member of Samaritan Ministries for eight years and has been blessed by the graciousness of other members when in need. Her heart is particularly inclined to moms and dads walking the path of grief after losing a child and seeks to encourage them in the Lord.